Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
Twelve and a Half Years Ago
L
ily?”
“Li-ly.”
“LILY!”
My eyes snapped open. Jake’s face peered down on mine. “You were dreaming. And it was the unpleasant, kicking-and-pushing-me-off-the-bed kind.”
“Really?” I swam through the haze of recent memories, trying to piece them together. My stomach clenched tight as flashes, images, and sequences came flooding back. Me not going to class. Not doing any homework. Never studying. Then waking up the day of the final exam and realizing I was completely unprepared for it.
I’d had variations of this dream before—signing up for a course I never attended and forgetting I enrolled, walking into a classroom for the final exam only to find out I’d missed it, even showing up to a final exam naked—and they’d gotten more frequent the last few months. The knot in my gut tightened
as the recollection of my latest nightmare grew more vivid and clear, like I had just put on a new pair of prescription glasses and my vision had started to settle.
The tenderness of his smile echoed in his gentle voice. “Wanna talk about it?”
Hell no, I didn’t want to talk about it. The last thing I needed to do was scare him off by debriefing him on my achievement-related stress and the pressure my parents and I put on me. How could I tell him that I constantly thought about not measuring up and was always concerned about failure? The dream made me wonder if I was doing enough with my life. If I was prepared to my fullest capabilities. If I was even supposed to be here at Carlthorpe, or if it was an admissions mistake. Did rich and famous people ever feel this way, or was it just people like me who had to keep trying to prove themselves?
Jake’s phone buzzed twice. He grabbed it from the side table, and I couldn’t help but notice it was his ex-girlfriend. He’d entered the contact’s name as “IT’S YOUR EX DON’T PICK UP.”
A pang of jealousy hit me hard.
Jake read my face. “It’s nothing. She’s trying to raise money for a 10K pediatric leukemia fundraiser and it’s the last day to donate. Gabby’s hitting everyone up today. Going through her contact list.”
Great, while I’m rolling around in bed, hungover, unshowered, looking like a human manatee . . . his ex was waking up early and sending text reminders of her selfless existence, helping out kids in need, all while staying physically fit.
“Forget about her, okay? Did you want to talk about your dream?”
I stared at his earnest face and shook my head. It was too personal. My anxiety avalanche wasn’t something I had shared with anyone else, and what my parents
did
know of my struggles they saw as a weakness, and an excuse for poor performance. Maybe I would talk about all of this openly someday, but not now. Especially not with Jake half naked in my bed.
“Or want me to help you think about something else?” His longing gaze muddled my mind again, but in a good way. All I could think about was his thick wavy hair and those brown, playful eyes. Jake slid under the covers and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me into him. My skin tingled at his touch as he ran his hand down my soft curves.
“Yes, please,” I whispered. “Help me forget.”
His lips brushed against mine as he spoke. “Is it working?”
I giggled. “I think so.”
“Well”—he kissed me lightly on the mouth—“the best way to move on from this dream is to focus on the present. On me. You. In this bed.”
His lips forged a path down my neck. I trembled, even though his kisses were warm and soft. I loved being with Jake. He was so different from me: I was so much more of a type A personality, possibly fated to have the same exam anxiety–ridden dreams for the rest of eternity. I didn’t want to ask if he’d had similar dreams and worries in life, because he was right about one thing: to focus on us now. Him. Me. In bed.
Jake eased the loose strap of my camisole off my shoulder. My hands worked their way down his chest, past his abs, to his boxers. He undressed me slowly, and as he lowered himself over me, every inch of my body flooded with desire. There were no words to describe what I felt for Jake in that moment, because how could I capture the hope, promise, and joy of someone who helped me escape the trappings of my mind?
I couldn’t. And that was when I knew my entire heart belonged to Jake Cho.